Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm Sorry To Say

Some months, you just cant wait to end. Well for others you hate to see them end and April never should have ended. End of April simply translates into the start of May which annoyingly translates into the start of books all again which even more annoyingly translates into me giving the ever affable Bloggsville a rude break to widen the gulf between me and illiteracy.
Its sad I know and I thought I'd leave you all with what kind of life I expect to live in the next 8 months now that I have dropped all my corporate traits and handed in my resignation to the C.E.O.

-Rent as many DVDs as I can even if it is Tom and Jerry, invite as many peeps as I can and tell them to bring as much liquor as their blood can revolt.
-Frequent all night spots.
-Live large.
-Phone all lecturers to inform them of a slight health problem that is limiting my abilities.
-Put on some weight (even if it is just 2 grammes).

-Photocopy all handouts and notes that I'm missing.
-Make a passionate plee to the Old Man for some money.
-Set an attendance target of 60% of weekly lectures.
-Hang out once every 2 weeks.

-Smile with anyone who cares to look my way so as to gain entry into any discussion group even if that group has my worst enemy in it.
-Hide the DVD player (pretend I dont know even where I hid it)
-Sit next to resourceful colleagues for tests.
-Party once every three weeks.
-Attend Church a little more often.

-Phone is off before I sleep.
-Walk around with summaries.
-Panic, pandemonium, mayhem and confusion can best describe this exam laden month.
-Less meals, less sleep.

All this with an eye on my GPA!
Till we meet again on the regular, to bloggers I say ciao.
I hope I'll sneak in and post a thing or two.

Listening to All Good Things (Come To An End)

And the sun was wondering if it should
Stay away for a day 'til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling
And the clouds were dropping
And the rain forgot how to bring salvation

Well the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it will come soon
So that they could die

Nelly Furtado

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I'll Honestly Try To Be Honest

When Eizzy.k bestowed this award on me, I um um...tried so very hard to ignore it so that she would forget that I was supposed to open my closet and pick the skeletons from their forced slumber and display them on cyberspace. I'm already being honest. Then the devil in yz bestowed the same award and now I'm thinking; 'OK why not? They will think you just took them for a ride and wont remember a thing when they ever get to meet you. Go on hit them with your slimy self!'

1. A lot of people have said over the years that I'm super shy. I have always vehemently denied this all the time but I wont cheat you the honest bloggers of the truth! I'm very very shy but I disguise it by looking you straight in the eye. But that's all I can do coz the rest of the time I'll be pulling my budding whiskers. I've kinda became reluctant to kick the habit when I read somewhere mbu gals kinda like shy guys. So if you can beat me at the staring contest, you win! Its that easy.

2. I wont say much about this one but I was very randy as a kid.I lost my virginity in P2....I have been practicing secondary virginity ever since. If there's anything of the sort.

3. I like to think of myself as a brave person coz i have had very many of those wow moments but recently I developed the insatiable urge to get myself tattooed all over my back. Upon walking into the parlour, there was a beefy guy crying like my neighbour's 4 yr old kid while he was receiving his dose of the needle. I retreated in horror and branched off to a bar to reflect.

4. I still carry a crush on a girl I studied with in primary school. P3 to be exact was the time I was literally swept off my feet but funny thing though is that she hated me with all she had coz I was too stubborn and made life a living hell for any body who crossed my path. Joan, I hope you forgave me and please wait for me!

5. My elder sister and I were partners in crime at an early age. We still are. But back then we would watch out for each other when one went to pick hot pieces of meat from the sauce pan before water could be added to make the stew.
"Payo its your turn, for me I went there yesterday but for you you have bad manners you don't want to go yet you know how to touch there when its hot"
"If you refuse today, I'll report you to mummy. Otyotyo otyotyo" Then I'd stealthily go hunting for us.

6. I have an impressive catalogue of scars thanks to my naughty history, the bulk of them being on my legs. The hair on the legs has failed to cover them enough. So you wont catch me in shorts anytime soon.

7. I've always wanted to be a musician but I got a reality check at age 4. My piano class report read like this; "His strokes are very clumsy, he's got minimal or no interest, and likes playing in the corridors. I think he is better off at the playgrounds" Dad pulled the plug on the whole project.
And yes I was ranked second last.

8. I once ended a relationship before it even begun just because this girl couldn't stop calling me 'babyface'. I know I look much younger than my passport suggests and if you want us to be enemies call me just that. Now go on dig your grave.

9. I like boobies!

10. No nick name seems to stick with me for longer than a year but my latest just wont go away. 'Lingwa' comes from my 6 ft frame. Even my dad calls me that these days. The unsuccessful ones include Spike (I honestly don't know why), Kikijo (I used to be unforgiving towards sugar canes), Lampard (I was clearly overrated back then), Smiley (apparently I smile a lot). ENOUGH!

7. Bloggers who deserve this;
Um, my lawyer advised me against adding more than seven. I obliged.

Then the instructions for the 'chosen ones' ;
1. You must brag about the award
2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger
3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on with the instructions!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Was Just Evesdroppin'

Soprano: Ooh Baby cut me, yeah?
Tenor: Yeah
Soprano: Ouch!
Tenor: I don't think I want to do that anymore
Soprano: Ooh baby. 
Tenor: Yeah. 
Soprano: Choke me, yeah?
Tenor: Yeah
Soprano: Wait wait I cant breathe!
Tenor: I don't think I like this.
Soprano: Yeah. Tie me up then, yeah?
Tenor: Yeah
Soprano: Ow fuck! fuck! leg cramp
Tenor: Shit that sucked
Soprano: Yeah! I know. You wanna blindfold me?
Tenor: Yeah! Why not.
Soprano: Oh piss! Did you drop a bat on me?
Tenor: Why would I have a bat?
Soprano: God damn
Tenor: Argh! Lets just get drunk and pass out.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Online Psychoanalysis

A while back I was hounded by a crazy-ass Kenyan gay guy on Facebook who literally thought he could do to me what Cheeye is sensationally destined to endure during his jail time as reported by that sick excuse of a tabloid. To Cheeye, I don't want to imagine you wincing in pain so I'll say a prayer for you anyway though you don't really deserve one.
Someone pointed out that my profile was rather 'inviting' as the cause of the attraction. You know that 'anything i can get' thing was sitting pretty on my profile page. But I got rid of that one.
Yes! For once I heeded to advice.
Notoriously grumpy are the people from my place!

So now how would you explain the friend of a friend wanting to counsel me online.

"I'm a counselling psychologist
Well this could be your turning point

Anyway I'm naturally a listener

That's what I think about myself

But I know it takes guts to really listen and get involved in what someone is saying
Now tell me what afflicts you my child."

And no, I haven't seen her before. What's the diagnosis this time? I look a tortured soul in my profile pic? I'm waiting to hear the solution to this one too.
How I wish she could sit Kenyan boy and see what really afflicts him. A wild guess is that they may even get married.
But I'll keep her as a friend just in case I'm staring at a lengthy spell with the wincing Teddy in the coolers......
only that I'll deserve all your prayers.

And did you have the slightest idea of this? What about this?
These are acceptable levels of sickness!

Have yourselves a great week.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'm Drunk, For A Good Reason Too


-'When I grow up I want to be a teacher.'
-'Me, I want to be a doctor'
-'For me I want to be a lawyer'
-'But for me I want to be a Bank manager'

Payo's turn- I want to be a drunkard!

And all the kids laughed.
Mr. Lukwago sentenced me to 6 strokes of the cane.

Now who is living his dream huh?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Nude Bunnies For Easter

I had to let you in on this one.......but promise never to taunt me on this one one day because you have no idea of what evil I'm capable of. Agreed?!
It's not a classic...not by any means but since then I cant stop replaying the events of Easter Sunday. You see this was one of those rare opportunities where the whole family gets to bond, right from the 80yr olds to the 3 months old tots......I'm aching to get to the clincher.....but anyway let me take you through the steps.

We all sat down for a sumptuous lunch that was rather annoyingly mixed with all those traditional dishes just to accommodate the more traditional folk. But it was the table talk that was all the more amusing.
What would you expect to hear when you're dominated by human relics?

Dad: But Andy's (my young brother) gu foot is too wide ehhh!! Who do you think it came from?
Eliphaz: (they've got strange names) That foot rooks like that of Kajwenje
Alphonse: Ehh wabiha! That foot is from his mother. You rook at her foot!!

Of course we were all so full of laughter. Watching your respectables being undressed in front of their kids is not a thing you get out of bed knowing you will see at noon, but when they finally picked on me for cross-examination, for once I didn't find alot of it funny anymore.
But I just tried to keep a plastic smile on that would even make Steve Segal's thin ones look warmer.

Alphonse: But we just donti understand this one....he only borrowed his Mzee's height.
Expedito (the resident loud mouth chipped in with his damning contribution): The hair is very poor. Ni n'komugusha (its like sorghum...yeast....i don't really know)
Alphonse: Hehehehe......woman, who is the father of this young man, I'm rooking at his nose and its from Buganda! Iti used to be small when he was a kid, what happened huh?
Mukaade (mom to the rescue): Wapi, he has just forgotten to comb his hair otherwise he has probably the best hair around. As for the nose, look at his father's chi nose and tell me.
Mzee: Why are you defending the poor quality there?
Teresfolo: As for the feet we shall not even go there!!!!!
Alphonse: They resemble those of Siriako. The one from the Kyamates. I mean the one with acres of tea plantations.

O.K. I'm letting you in on too much.
But if you are in my corner you are probably wondering how someone can have such enormous bodily flaws. I wont agree with the stupid old men or deny the allegations but if you've interacted with the old folk on the regular you realise that this is what they are only good at. Show him Tyler Perry and he will frown. Stupid old men.
Since I wasn't the only one at the receiving end of proceedings, i just let it be. Now i'll let you in on the clincher.......

After sifting through all the photo albums in the house, the oldies wanted to catch a film. One faction wanted to catch any sports event, the other a film preferably African. The film faction with the help of a mouthful of a contribution Expedito won this hotly contested mini-rivalry. We the dot-comers just sat there dumbfounded, nursing our egos wounded at the table earlier.
What I'm about to tell you I cant describe graphically.........
When these guys went through the Nigerian collection on offer and chose this Movie with a modest title, i heard my niece giggle. I definetely had no idea because they are more of a feminine thing. Not even those two guys stuck in bodies of ten year olds with their laboured humour seems to drag me towards Nollywood.

So when the movie started playing, i finally realised why little niece was still giggling uncontrollably.......the very first scene was a sex scene! Yeah, sweaty Africans getting it on and in all styles you can imagine.
Silence engulfed the room so much that you could hear a pin drop. Even naughty little niece was gazing at the telly with a smirk across her face. A cursory glance at the very religious old folk across the room and their faces told a story of disgust. Look who was laughing now. Eliphaz made a mad dash for the DVD player but we all knew he had no idea of how the white man's machines operate. He got frustrated with his efforts and just disconnected the mains. I had to excuse myself, it was too much.
I made a dash to my room locked the door firmly behind me and laughed till it hurt! I'd pay anything see the look on the faces of the old folk one more time.
Now who had the last laugh.....huh!

When the laughter had subsided I went through my highschool stuff picked my old sketch book and took a shot at delivering that Manga Hentai stuff through the eyes of the Nigerians.
I don't think you really want to see my sketches!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Charm School Candidate

Most things natural always tend to be constant but that is if you were living in the years past because of late we have (me and the medical minds of Dr. 90210) devised means to navigate round these problems. Brazilian Butt Lift fans know what I mean when I say what I say to mean what I say.

That brings me to my latest Kenyan friend on Facebook. I'll call him Keith. Keith sent me a friend request a couple of weeks back and I didn't reject it. I obliged and added him probably thinking he was one of my fans! He must have seen me on radio though coz I had no idea who the hell he was!
Fast-forward to last Saturday (a very chilly one) while I was idling on Facebook Chat when I found Mr. Keith idling too. Then came our 'get to know you' session where talk rotates around bad roads and the President's bandaged finger and of course the crazy weather.

It kinda went on well till he asked whether i had a girlfriend. Stupid question to ask! My status clearly states what it states when I scream that I'm single without remorse.
I instinctively checked out his profile and his friends list to acquaint myself with who he really was.
I thought it strange that of all his 86 friends, only one was a female and that the rest of the 85 were disgustingly naked men. I'll let you do the assesment on Keith's orientation). But I'd have to admit they had far better toned bodies than my sorry excuse of a six-pack.

Then came the spoiler;
"You look good in your profile pic. I'm kinda feeling lonely." Like I needed to know that much.....

More of the spoiler;
"What's your phone number so that I can give you a call and hear your voice?"

Even more of the spoiler;
"Ah, I can see you've taken quite a while to answer that question." This guy had the bloody nerves.

Then came the witty answer (if he thought I was half as dumb as he was)
"Why don't you call those girls at customer care, they sure do have great voices..."

Foolish Keith at it again;
"Oh! I didn't think of that one." Yeah he just admitted to being dumb.

I didn't need a second invitation to undo my short lived friendship with Keith and block him totally. Not that many people can stand being hit on by a gay guy you barely even know. Now I'm up and down trying to find Keith entry forms into Charm School just in case you didn't realise how lame he was at his game.
Ha ha, don't think that if he was any better, he was going to be any more successful than he already was. Did he think he was bribing a kid with a lollipop? Keith, you're a fool for that one.

And I'm told girls (the pretty ones at least) have to endure this every day! I feel your pain..........