A sequel to the most comprehensive guide to getting out of sticky situations.
You're stuck with the bill
OK you've chosen to storm the Emin Pasha with this girl who could easily pass for your sister (you look disturbingly alike), of course with the insane hope of scoring later on. The tasty food you've consumed has connived with the bill to deny you the little credibility you might have achieved through the date. Avoid the drama that may ensue. You can avoid this altogether by uttering a single sentence the second the bill touches the table: 'do you want to split this evenly?' Tried it in fifth grade and it didn't work but since every body's in a recession, the brains may be AWOL making it worth the try!
A porn flick is stuck in your video player
One silly man i know once wrecked a $699 VCR so he wouldn't have to pay a $4 late fine on The Godfather. You can do the maths. A wiser or more patient man might have fixed the problem in 20 seconds. Just sitch the beast off and give it time to re-initialise or just visit fixer.com and get graphic detail on how to open it up. Or rather wreck the TV set, it gives you an extra day not to get caught!
Your zip is stuck
Yell out 'ouch' if it has anything to do with southerly skin. The rest is for you to figure out since they say experience teaches best! My painful remedy is to drop some hot wax on the zip to lubricate it.
You are stuck in the middle of a fight
Why would you be there anyway? But now that you are dont grab one bloke saying 'dont swing'. it is the worst thing you can do in a fight, because you're giving a clear shot to the other person, which your most likely to do anyway. Well just run for your life, update your insurance policy then call the medics to retrieve what may be left of the fighters'.
Showing posts with label Leisure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Leisure. Show all posts
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Come Unstuck Part 1.
When you were a kid you were always getting stuck- between railings,up trees, halfway through your maths homework. But you could always rely on an adult to come to your rescue or tell you what a hypotenuse was. now that you're a grown up, tearfully running to your dad when things go wrong is, sadly, no longer an option. That's why you need my comprehensive guide to getting out of any awkward situation. From freeing a stuck trouser zip to removing a rude film that's jammed in your video machine. Of course, i'm not suggesting that the two events are, in any way, connected....
You're stuck with a Q but no U in Scrabble
Don't quit in a fit of pique: you can conquer this quandary. Quite a few U-less Q-words exist. 'Qat' is the best known - it is a variation of 'kat', an African shrub with leaves that are chewed as a stimulant. Or 'Qi', pronounced chi, a Chinese life-force. Actually, some Scrabble experts don't always know the definitions of the words they use, but I've included them so you can show off:
qadi: a muslim ruler
qanat: a sewer system in Israel
qintar: a unit of Albanian currency
qoph: a letter in the Hebrew alphabet
Words with both Q's and U's - but not where you'd expect them:
buqsha: a Yemeni monetary unit
qivuit: the wool of a musk ox
If you're stuck with too many vowels, Payo suggests that you rid of them via fake-looking but genuine words such as: aa, aia, oe, cooee, euouae, moue, or jiao. If you're stuck with all consonants, try 'crwth', or the ever-popular 'cwm'. Good luck.
You're stuck without a partner on Saturday night
We know how this goes. Your first instinct is to stay home and watch Big Break. But then you start thinking about how you're never going to meet anyone if you don't go out , so you phone some idiot and go to a bookshop cafe by yourself. Select some reading material, preferably a magazine such as Vibe. Buy a coffee. Scan the room until you find a woman sitting alone at a table, and ask if she minds if you sit with her. Now you can flash her a few shy smiles and start a conversation by showing her something brilliantly funny or insightful you've just read. After all, she's probably there for the same reason you are.
You're crazy about someone who is off-limits to you
This may sound hard, but forget about her: you can find another woman you love just as much, without the strings attached. You have to ask yourself why you persist with one person. It could be that you're too scared of the pain of the pain of giving up fixation . The fact is that there are probably thousands of suitable partners out there - if you're brave enough to give up this fictional relationship with a person who's unavailable. Pull yourself together man!
You're stuck with a Q but no U in Scrabble
Don't quit in a fit of pique: you can conquer this quandary. Quite a few U-less Q-words exist. 'Qat' is the best known - it is a variation of 'kat', an African shrub with leaves that are chewed as a stimulant. Or 'Qi', pronounced chi, a Chinese life-force. Actually, some Scrabble experts don't always know the definitions of the words they use, but I've included them so you can show off:
qadi: a muslim ruler
qanat: a sewer system in Israel
qintar: a unit of Albanian currency
qoph: a letter in the Hebrew alphabet
Words with both Q's and U's - but not where you'd expect them:
buqsha: a Yemeni monetary unit
qivuit: the wool of a musk ox
If you're stuck with too many vowels, Payo suggests that you rid of them via fake-looking but genuine words such as: aa, aia, oe, cooee, euouae, moue, or jiao. If you're stuck with all consonants, try 'crwth', or the ever-popular 'cwm'. Good luck.
You're stuck without a partner on Saturday night
We know how this goes. Your first instinct is to stay home and watch Big Break. But then you start thinking about how you're never going to meet anyone if you don't go out , so you phone some idiot and go to a bookshop cafe by yourself. Select some reading material, preferably a magazine such as Vibe. Buy a coffee. Scan the room until you find a woman sitting alone at a table, and ask if she minds if you sit with her. Now you can flash her a few shy smiles and start a conversation by showing her something brilliantly funny or insightful you've just read. After all, she's probably there for the same reason you are.
You're crazy about someone who is off-limits to you
This may sound hard, but forget about her: you can find another woman you love just as much, without the strings attached. You have to ask yourself why you persist with one person. It could be that you're too scared of the pain of the pain of giving up fixation . The fact is that there are probably thousands of suitable partners out there - if you're brave enough to give up this fictional relationship with a person who's unavailable. Pull yourself together man!
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