Tuesday, May 26, 2009

21st Century Vs 20th Century

I recently made the trip to Mbarara to attend a wedding of a maternal cousin of mine. Just like any such function, the elderly from the deepest valleys and crevices of Bushenyi were in attendance, pulling all the stops to look good in their colonial suits. That didn't matter much anyway because everybody looked smashing.
Fast forward to the day after. A lazy Sunday morning on which I was battling the effects of uncontrolled drinking from the previous evening of merry making when my sweet nap was rudely interrupted by the loud voices emerging from the living room. The Old Folk were having an interesting conversation. I shrugged off the heavy head and dashed to the living room and witness the drama first hand...here we go

Oldie 1: Evangelista, but are you sure this thing is not a telephone?

Evangelista: It isn't a phone. I swear.

Oldie 1: But it has numbers just like a telephone!

Oldie 2: Maybe it is a new type of telephone that Eva doesn't know about. Just because she is from the town doesn't mean she knows these things.

Evangelista: That is called a remote.

Oldie 1: What? Not a telephone? Really?

Evangelista: Yamawe! This thing is for controlling that TV in front of you. You see. You see. I press a button and it changes.

Oldie 1: Eh! How does it do that?

Oldie 2: But the muzungu has gone very far. Eh! I have never seen this before.

Oldie 1: Of course you have never. You only know how to graze. You don't even have electricity in your hut. Eva, you tell me how it works.

Evangelista: I don't know how it really does it but all i know is that I'll press this button and the TV will change a station. Don't you see. 1 2 3 4. You see!

Oldie 1: Iwe Payo, weza how does this thing work? Eva here wasted our money at school. We should have bought tonto instead. What did you call it?

Payo: Remote............

Oldie 1: Aha.

Payo: You know like how those traditional doctors treat broken bones from miles away? That is also how these things work, from a distance but only shorter.

Oldie 2: What! You mean this thing has spirits in it?

Oldie 1: I am dead. I know that the white man has stronger medicine than the traditional healer. He can even make big metals fly yet our locals cant make chickens fly! This one is going to kill me if I don't sacrifice a white hen really soon.

Evangelista: (Laughing hysterically) No. It doesn't have actual medicine. The white man just calls it technology. The white man is very clever you know.

Oldie 2: Ah Eva what do you know? If you had a quarter of the white man's brains you would have been of some use to Bushenyi.

Oldie 1: (Sternly looking at the iPod in my hands) You better throw that one away too. But why doesn't that telephone have buttons? Eh. Throw it away. That is not a good telephone. A good telephone should have buttons!

Payo: (Retreating in considerable horror) Let me go throw it away.

Oldie 1: That's my boy.

And yes they were all high on potent gin at the time.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm Too Busy To Find A Title For This One

When I said my goodbyes I promised to sneak in a thing or two. Well I have. Blogging can be so very addictive and my will-power has taken a nose-dive of late so I can't resist the urge.
Here we go.

My friend Mark clearly has a lot of sticky issues to settle with women. He wont stop reading this every day he wakes up. I asked him why and all he could say was that it is kinda inspiring to him.

'Sour grapes?' I ask. He almost throws his phone at me. I'll just share it with you and see what you think.

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.

Women are like elephants to me. I would like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Women really do rule the world. They just haven't figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble.

Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

Women are in league with each other, a secret conspiracy of hearts and pheromones.

No woman wants to see herself too clearly.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery. There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man: These are

Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves.

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember."

I'll honestly tell you that I think these are sour grapes.Very unfair to women! His future wife, daughter and mother alike.
He's the same chap who says he would like to meet the man or woman who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

Gotta go