21st Century Vs 20th Century

I recently made the trip to Mbarara to attend a wedding of a maternal cousin of mine. Just like any such function, the elderly from the deepest valleys and crevices of Bushenyi were in attendance, pulling all the stops to look good in their colonial suits. That didn't matter much anyway because everybody looked smashing.

Fast forward to the day after. A lazy Sunday morning on which I was battling the effects of uncontrolled drinking from the previous evening of merry making when my sweet nap was rudely interrupted by the loud voices emerging from the living room. The Old Folk were having an interesting conversation. I shrugged off the heavy head and dashed to the living room and witness the drama first hand...here we go

Oldie 1: Evangelista, but are you sure this thing is not a telephone?

Evangelista: It isn't a phone. I swear.

Oldie 1: But it has numbers just like a telephone!

Oldie 2: Maybe it is a new type of telephone that Eva doesn't know about. Just because she is from the town doesn't mean she knows these things.

Evangelista: That is called a remote.

Oldie 1: What? Not a telephone? Really?

Evangelista: Yamawe! This thing is for controlling that TV in front of you. You see. You see. I press a button and it changes.

Oldie 1: Eh! How does it do that?

Oldie 2: But the muzungu has gone very far. Eh! I have never seen this before.

Oldie 1: Of course you have never. You only know how to graze. You don't even have electricity in your hut. Eva, you tell me how it works.

Evangelista: I don't know how it really does it but all i know is that I'll press this button and the TV will change a station. Don't you see. 1 2 3 4. You see!

Oldie 1: Iwe Payo, weza how does this thing work? Eva here wasted our money at school. We should have bought tonto instead. What did you call it?

Payo: Remote............

Oldie 1: Aha.

Payo: You know like how those traditional doctors treat broken bones from miles away? That is also how these things work, from a distance but only shorter.

Oldie 2: What! You mean this thing has spirits in it?

Oldie 1: I am dead. I know that the white man has stronger medicine than the traditional healer. He can even make big metals fly yet our locals cant make chickens fly! This one is going to kill me if I don't sacrifice a white hen really soon.

Evangelista: (Laughing hysterically) No. It doesn't have actual medicine. The white man just calls it technology. The white man is very clever you know.

Oldie 2: Ah Eva what do you know? If you had a quarter of the white man's brains you would have been of some use to Bushenyi.

Oldie 1: (Sternly looking at the iPod in my hands) You better throw that one away too. But why doesn't that telephone have buttons? Eh. Throw it away. That is not a good telephone. A good telephone should have buttons!

Payo: (Retreating in considerable horror) Let me go throw it away.

Oldie 1: That's my boy.

And yes they were all high on potent gin at the time.

Nude Bunnies For Easter

I had to let you in on this one.......but promise never to taunt me on this one one day because you have no idea of what evil I'm capable of. Agreed?!

It's not a classic...not by any means but since then I cant stop replaying the events of Easter Sunday. You see this was one of those rare opportunities where the whole family gets to bond, right from the 80yr olds to the 3 months old tots......I'm aching to get to the clincher.....but anyway let me take you through the steps.

We all sat down for a sumptuous lunch that was rather annoyingly mixed with all those traditional dishes just to accommodate the more traditional folk. But it was the table talk that was all the more amusing.

What would you expect to hear when you're dominated by human relics?

Dad: But Andy's (my young brother) gu foot is too wide ehhh!! Who do you think it came from?

Eliphaz: (they've got strange names) That foot rooks like that of Kajwenje

Alphonse: Ehh wabiha! That foot is from his mother. You rook at her foot!!

Of course we were all so full of laughter. Watching your respectables being undressed in front of their kids is not a thing you get out of bed knowing you will see at noon, but when they finally picked on me for cross-examination, for once I didn't find alot of it funny anymore.

But I just tried to keep a plastic smile on that would even make Steve Segal's thin ones look warmer.

Alphonse: But we just donti understand this one....he only borrowed his Mzee's height.

Expedito (the resident loud mouth chipped in with his damning contribution): The hair is very poor. Ni n'komugusha (its like sorghum...yeast....i don't really know)

Alphonse: Hehehehe......woman, who is the father of this young man, I'm rooking at his nose and its from Buganda! Iti used to be small when he was a kid, what happened huh?

Mukaade (mom to the rescue): Wapi, he has just forgotten to comb his hair otherwise he has probably the best hair around. As for the nose, look at his father's chi nose and tell me.

Mzee: Why are you defending the poor quality there?

Teresfolo: As for the feet we shall not even go there!!!!!

Alphonse: They resemble those of Siriako. The one from the Kyamates. I mean the one with acres of tea plantations.

O.K. I'm letting you in on too much.

But if you are in my corner you are probably wondering how someone can have such enormous bodily flaws. I wont agree with the stupid old men or deny the allegations but if you've interacted with the old folk on the regular you realise that this is what they are only good at. Show him Tyler Perry and he will frown. Stupid old men.

Since I wasn't the only one at the receiving end of proceedings, i just let it be. Now i'll let you in on the clincher.......

After sifting through all the photo albums in the house, the oldies wanted to catch a film. One faction wanted to catch any sports event, the other a film preferably African. The film faction with the help of a mouthful of a contribution Expedito won this hotly contested mini-rivalry. We the dot-comers just sat there dumbfounded, nursing our egos wounded at the table earlier.

What I'm about to tell you I cant describe graphically.........

When these guys went through the Nigerian collection on offer and chose this Movie with a modest title, i heard my niece giggle. I definetely had no idea because they are more of a feminine thing. Not even those two guys stuck in bodies of ten year olds with their laboured humour seems to drag me towards Nollywood.

So when the movie started playing, i finally realised why little niece was still giggling uncontrollably.......the very first scene was a sex scene! Yeah, sweaty Africans getting it on and in all styles you can imagine.
Silence engulfed the room so much that you could hear a pin drop. Even naughty little niece was gazing at the telly with a smirk across her face. A cursory glance at the very religious old folk across the room and their faces told a story of disgust. Look who was laughing now. Eliphaz made a mad dash for the DVD player but we all knew he had no idea of how the white man's machines operate. He got frustrated with his efforts and just disconnected the mains. I had to excuse myself, it was too much.

I made a dash to my room locked the door firmly behind me and laughed till it hurt! I'd pay anything see the look on the faces of the old folk one more time.

Now who had the last laugh.....huh!

When the laughter had subsided I went through my highschool stuff picked my old sketch book and took a shot at delivering that Manga Hentai stuff through the eyes of the Nigerians.
I don't think you really want to see my sketches!