I Still Remember That September Afternoon

This is a story about that girl who corrupted my mind…but first, it was second term holidays and I was only 8. I hated taking those mandatory afternoon naps right after lunch and despite the best efforts of the maid, which included the occasional spanking, I just wouldn’t sleep.

That afternoon was like no other because even this episode Punky Brewster on UTV this time wasn’t as interesting as it had always been. So the search of a much kick led me to my best mate Daniel’s home. Unbeknown to me, he wasn’t home; his mom had whisked him away for coaching classes somewhere in Nakivubo.

That left me and his literature-mad sister who was twice my age as my last hope for salvation from the sickening state of ultimate boredom. I should have walked away in resignation but the devil in me drove me into asking her what she was so preoccupied with so intently that she couldn’t even look into my direction.
So I went closer but before I could bet really close, she reached under the couch she was sited in and from what seemed like a collection, handed me a copy of Spice magazine (remember them?) and told me to knock myself out!

I was only 8!
The magazine cover screamed sex. I still remember that Stella was the name of the cover girl. I still remember that not only because she was hot but also because she was the first bikini I hadn’t seen on TV.
Lingala was blaring from the radio. Papa Wemba I think it was.
Curiously, I read on from the cartoons, Dod Khimji, Pam’s Adventures and yes yes, Peter ‘Now a Pastor’ Ssemattimba’s piece on erotic zones.

All this time I kept on pestering her to loosely explain the what all this raunchy stuff meant and why I was seeing it for the first time there and not in the classroom (like I had no idea).
When she justly got fed up with all the probing, she put down the Spice she was reading, grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the back of the house under the jambula tree.
Once there, she looked around, then lifted up her dress with a mischievous smile pasted all over her face to reveal her white undies!
That was her explanation. Just like that.

I was only 8!
She then marched into the house without saying a word.
I stayed rooted to the spot, bewildered. At the same time it felt like my crowning moment, my knighthood, my Nobel Prize for achievements in human discovery and anything else in between.
I never went looking for Daniel at his ever again lest I be knighted again.
I hear she is now happily married with three daughters.
I’m betting on one of them flashing her undies intent on corrupting the mind of a boy half her age!

I Want A Cow That Loves Me

Sadness
is dumb
and the worst
thing is
I have
no one
to share
it with.

Yours Trully

When my brain stalled so much that I could not write a thing, I thought why not give blogville a sneak peak into what Payo looked like before shaving became such an issue. Enjoy...

Agavuude Mu Wiiki

I thought this past week had ended just like any other; nothing much to reminisce about. But that was till I pulled out my notepad and started listing in no particular order what had transpired during the past seven days. Some are shameful, some funny and others I cant really classify. Read on...

• I drunk-dialled my former boss at 2 in the night on the now infamous 99% from MTN.


• I slaughtered a turkey.


• JK admitted to me that he was gay and has 'eaten' like that for the past three years (to hell with the night caps at his pad from now on...you never know what he is capable of)


• With inspiration from Ugandan Girl, I deleted all the phantom people that were populating my friends list on Facebook.


• I resorted to a shortcut on my way home to avoid contact with Eddie the shopkeeper...the reason, 2200 shillings for that kilo of sugar I took 2 weeks ago.


• I ate a rolex for the first time in a very long time. It used to be cheap so I clashed with the 'rolex guy' over the prices. Of course I didn't win.


• My friends took me to this basement club in Mukono and guess what?!, it had pit latrines for toilets! You think I'm taking you for a ride? Visit Club One in Mukono, you will be amazed at how INNOVATIVE Ugandans have come.


• I didn't want you to know this one but yeah, I had an all-access shave! A painful one at that.

Listening to U2's 'I'll Go Crazy if I don't go Crazy Tonight'

BHH...Speaking in the Third Person

This blogger has been toying with the thought of whether to let other bloggeren into what happened to him the day he decided, rather half-heartedly to attend the last BHH. The urge to tell all has won the war and ‘tell’ has to be done.
So this blogger instinctively went to radio and tried to coerce Carsozy into dragging him along. He claimed he had to work late and wake up by 4 o’clock the next morning so blogger gave up the mini-effort. But blogger was quick to ask him if Baz was remotely interested in going.
“I spoke to him at lunch about it but he gave me no clear answer.”

Blogger decided to seek out Baz all by myself and the first thing Baz asked blogger rather authoritatively was why blogger was still not at Mateo’s yet. The logical thing for blogger to say was that he was indeed headed there, which he eventually did. But then Baz said he wasn’t going to be able to make it and that blogger should pass on his apologies. Another dead end.

Lulu, the last person blogger could think of now was already dressed (in a rather hot dress) for the Bride and Groom thing.
Armed with the evil apologies from Baz and Carsozy blogger headed for the venue, scanned the area for a group of more than 10 people and couldn’t find any. So blogger drowned himself in Guinness after Guinness before he SOSed Carsozy for ‘help’ in finding that group of strangers if they were present anyway. Carsozy promised to call later but he didn’t.
Luckily enough for blogger a couple of cocktail-hunting friends showed up and together, they got wasted. Then it was off to feast on Nandos’ overrated pizzas.
By that time BHH was the least of blogger’s worries. It stayed that way till the time was headed for the parking lot that he saw a group of around 9 people gathered around two tables, that he realised that that must have been lot he had come looking for. Who was the dreadlocked lady? And the white lady? Was that even the group blogger came looking for? And why was the turn up that low?

The decision to join the Guinness party signalled the end of blogger’s BHH quest for the night. Since there are many more to come in the future, blogger thinks he will settle for those.
And for those who sent their apologies through blogger, he is deeply sorry to have disappointed.

It's So Hungry I Can Barely Feed It

Considering that I’ve not posted anything right here for exactly 45 days, I’ve gotta admit that is really long a time. I’ve got my reasons too. See I’m not exactly comfortable looking into a neighbour’s script when sitting an exam, so I took time off, shook blogging out of my unwilling head and got down to the academics for ‘shizzle’. Nevertheless after seeing this lady pull her ‘bullet’ from her bra, of all places, I took a peek or two to steer clear of a retake when I was out-spotted. Such can be the life of a student.

So that means I missed the BHH tales (of course I wasn’t there), and I hear Eizzy. k got saved! I’m only hoping she don’t try to convert me.

But then, my time away from blogging pales in comparison with my rather lengthy vacation away from the throes of dating. It has been more than a year now and what gets me worried though is how comfortable I’m becoming in the current climate. Its not till you make out with some girl (swollen with emotion too) you least expected to ever get cozy with that you realise maybe you have been cheating your body by depriving it of some things I cannot comfortably call essentials. You almost went to the next level with her! You find it even harder to say no to her advances politely. I don’t even know what they are! Cravings?

The next morning you are predictably like – “OMG What the fuck was I thinking?” but then it is already done and all you have left time for is to reflect on where in the not so immediate past might have gone wrong. You try hard to put on a gaze that conveys innocence, responsibility and authority that often than not, conceals the desperate bore that your life has become. You feel like letting loose, surrendering yourself to the force of the wind, and put up no resistance at all.

But your inner self knows that the life you once lived with some ease is now more like the unknown to you at present and that isn’t about to miraculously change overnight.

It’s really been mighty long.

“Never let your head bully your heart only because it is not worth the effort. The heart somewhat always manages to win” Dad told me that before he got saved!

Kwonka Viruses

After a long time on katebe without blogging, I write something, save it on my flash disk, plug it into one of the New Vision computers and what do i get for my troubles? The flash disk is empty thanks in no small part to an unseen virus.
I guess i have to wait a little longer to post something as I get my e-house in order.

OFF TO THE SLEEPYHEADS IN I.T. TO SEE IF ANYTHING CAN BE DONE!