Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Posts After Smoking A Joint: Illusions Of Happiness

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming, don't care its going to end in a certain way or are too rigid to depart from their routine. 

That's kinda my story for my prolonged absence here but this is not the right time to go there...I'll engage you in something else.

I badly want to believe that sanity is just an illusion to make those who are boring feel better about not being interesting. Errrrm sorry, but I prefer insanity.

Lately, I've been feeling funny. I've been having a bad feeling that lately makes my heart hurt but only just a little. My head aches too like it usually does. I've had this bad feeling before. I felt this same way when I was depressed for a big part of all those years gone by.

I've only been honestly happy for just a little more than 4 years now so I'm not ready to go back yet. There's still so much I have to do and so many things I have to try so I can't go back. It's hard though. I can feel it dragging me back into that imaginary place. Maybe it's missed me since I've been gone. It's falling apart and that's why it wants me back; maybe.

Because I once lived in a town. That's the kind of place I lived in. There used to be an imaginary town mixed right in with the real world and it all blended together. I used to live in a town where I could see everyone from a movie screen and my breath was the only thing that was consistent. 

The town was black and white with small shades of grey and everyone's voices were always so far away because I was the only one with a permanent residence. I didn't love it there but that's precisely where I used to live. 

I'm not ready to go back, not yet at least. I don't think I ever will be either but do I really have a choice? I'm not good at making these kinds of decisions. It's making me sick and smiling can be tiring too. 

It was fun while it lasted. Is that really something I should say? I mean, it's not like I'm back in that town yet, right? Is it not like that yet? Feels like I have something trying to climb back on my shoulders after falling off.

Perhaps it’s my nerves acting up. After all, I haven't been getting much sleep. Maybe I need to get back on my medications for a while. I wonder if there's anything wrong with that.

PS: Don't try to understand this post because you wont


  1. i dont know why i just keep reading town ever where ...i think i am see things... will come back later ..:-)

    I missed you though

  2. Thank you for the PS; very useful under the circumstances.

  3. @Ugandan girl I've waited and waited and waited and waited a a lil more for you to come back but you didn't :D Town appears only 5 times!
    I've missed you all...I hope I can stay longer this time.

    @petesmama hehe it didnt make sense to me too so I'm hoping someone will find it to be a masterpiece.

  4. You'll be fine!! And I'm sure you won't go back to wherever it was that you where four years ago...Things can only get better!

  5. am back.....please stay longer ...instead of medetation ...how about blogging....nice...?????

    call me.

  6. am pleasantly confused by this one but i like it. i like mystery, dark mystery

  7. *Sniff*
    I smell pot.
    Will pass by to dig up what-ev MJ inspired.

  8. waaaaay late but hey, you posted! that's reason enough to celebrate. :)

    i kinda like this in all its confusingness. reread it after i saw the PS so i could enjoy it without having to understand. And randomnly enough, I came up with my own little understanding of it. heh, it makes sense to my own experience.