Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Big What If

Every time I get dangerously idle I think! About a lot of things. 94% percent of them are never constructive but I still think! I love to think. But one thing I always think about keeps playing so often in my mind with the same frequency as the memory of my first kiss. Those little things we ignore not because they are abundant around us but those things we don't think about just because we know we can never have think with me what the world would be if;

There were prizes under the liners of beer it is with soda bottles?
These beer guys are mean.....really mean! I've taken soft drinks for many years, and didn't stop even when they were blamed for a severe allergic reaction I had one time. I still haven't won a random prize for all my loyalty and i don't blame them because maybe it all boils down to ill luck. But what if beers were to buck the trend and offer prizes under their liners?
Do guys really need that kind of excuse to drink. Girls do! If the prizes were girl friendly, like shopping trips, and vacations in Zanzibar then more girls would drink, and there would be more understanding about why men drink. Of course, that means everyone would have a beer gut.
Wouldn't it make a hangover less devastating if you knew you had a prize to redeem later on?

Female drivers were not believed to be dumb
Okay maybe they are! I don't know that much about them but it seems to be a general consensus that they are. Who cares if they are anyway?
But what if they were not perceived as brilliantly stupid?
Less laughter in the world? Higher occurrence of cancer? Less videos on you tube? A greater chance of meeting more men than women at your local driving school?
Now which sadist would want that?

The majority of humans were left-handed?
Did you even know that August 13th is the Left Handers Day? No you don't. I knew you wouldn't!!
That left-handedness is more common in males than females the same way it is responsible for mental retardation and dyslexia may also be news to you! The stranger truth though is that they are associated with intellectual advancement. Okay enough of that because this is no science lecture.
More males on earth? Retards everywhere? More Clintons (definitely more Lewinskys)? More left handed cameras? More John Mc Enroes?
It's a sticky one!

Everyone didn't have to say 'hello' each time they answered a call
Telecom Companies would make a lot less money and there would be less carbon dioxide in the world. Of course, hello is like an 'on' switch to pay attention so people wouldn’t catch the first half of the conversation, misunderstandings would increase, death would rise, more men would find out their wives were cheating on them….Chaos. Hello should remain forever and forever

Girls always chased after guys
There's this particular Bud Light ad that interests me a lot. It shows a lady with arms crossed (kinda mean looking face too) declaring that she "doesn't chase men who can't run!" So what if the hunter became the hunted? It happens today, that I'm fully aware of. But what if for every woman that got winked at, 30 guys out there got anonymous calls and messages declaring love for their perfect legs (even when they clearly aren't?)
You see! Guys aren’t quite as picky about who they date as girls are. Wait. They are. Difference is USUALLY a guy’s reasons behind the girls he date/doesn’t date actually make sense.
Girls on the other hand have the most complicated lists set up. “He should be shy but fight for me”…blah blah. If girls did the chasing this problem would be solved. Girls would have their list and go about finding the right man. Men would simply sit , watch , wait and accept the creation that made its way toward them if it fit their more realistic ideals. If they were expecting Beyonce, ahahahahahaha! Good luck with that one.
Do you see more girls settling the bills? More guys getting facials, manicures, tans and botox? Less cases of Rape? More female janitors? Longer working hours for women?

We all found gossip disgusting
Life would be simpler. There wouldn’t be drama. At all. Life would be quieter. No fights over what he said she said about him talking to her after you said you didn’t yet they saw you with him….in all honesty though, it would also be extremely boring and humans would find some other destructive way to bring excitement.But I see the distinction between He and She dying out. Only one of them loves to gossip! Who?

All bling was cheap
I would get some every week.
Girls would have to find another expensive way to get men to their love for them. Apparently girls will have to find some way to torture men besides sex that is because they know, sex punishes both them and not just HIM.

DVD players had never replaced VCR players
Who can forget the days when you had just hours before the local movie store slapped a fine on you for late returns only for a power black-out to mercilessly hit you. OK. that fine is payable you think! Power returns and you discover the silly VCR has ‘eaten’ the tape! No DVDs? Life would be hell! There would be no seasons on one disc, twenty movies on one disc. What would people do?! Would we TALK to each other?! That would be our only option, wouldn’t it?! (Kiss your CD pack gratefully while sending a silent prayer of thanks to God, and whoever invented the first CD)

Priests and monks weren't celibate
A quick glance at the demography statistics tells me that the females are trouncing males numerically the world over. Then of course apart from those who are comfortable with the idea of sleeping around with married men, the rest are lonely. If these people of God weren't celibate this number would be halved. Even they agree!

yz.......I'm smooching you for your help with this one!!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


17 Days Ago
You meet your friend who introduces you to his outrageously beautiful friend. You exchange pleasantries and part company.

13 Days Ago
You bump into your friend's friend at the bus stop. You engage in loose talk, exchange contacts and promise to keep in touch.

11 Days Ago
You receive a text from her first thing in the morning wishing you a splendid day. You smile all the way to work.

10 Days Ago
You give her a call though you really have nothing to talk about.

9 Days Ago
You engage in text craze with her till sunset. She tells you about her frustrations in her relationship; the selfish guy with a high affinity for everything in a skirt.

8 Days Ago
The text craze continues. Now more than ever the thumbs are sore.

7 Days Ago
You agree to hang out that evening. You spend the whole evening drooling over her beauty which you lavishly pay compliments to. You realise the strange fact that good people always inspire naughty thoughts from the fairly good people.

6 Days Ago
She puts you on the spot for not introducing your girlfriend to her yet. You tell her how you've put relationships on hold till further notice. She doesn't buy it. They always do anyway.

5 Days Ago
Regardless of her busy schedule, she still finds an excuse to text you.

4 Days Ago
You spend more than half an hour on phone with her. By the time you are through its 2 am.

3 Days Ago
Despite her best efforts to lure you to the watering hole for a drink or two later that evening, you politely decline the invite citing fatigue. You promise to make up for the 'lost' time.

2 Days Ago
She introduces you to her selfish, skirt chaser of a boyfriend. You are not impressed with her taste. You think she can do better. Somehow you strike a conversation with him and realise he ain't evil through and through.
She later that night texts you to invite you to her place. She promises good food and a nice movie. You agree.

You leave work early and find your way to her place. You commend her on the neatness of her room, you go one better on the food, and settle to catch the movie. You ask yourself why she has chosen The Notebook! She gets all teary through the movie so she seeks your embrace. You don't object.
On your way out after the movie she crowns this her best evening in a long time and then plants one of those prolonged infectious kisses on your lips and wishes you a good night. You stand there dazed while she shuts the door. You find your way home and lie in bed for close to 4 hours.
You just cant sleep!

Your head is heavy. You desperately want to sleep.
While you keep your eyes fixed on the phone expecting a text from her any second, you ask yourself why you just cant be friends!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Me! Yoga?

Like most men, I've always been rather skeptical about meditation. When it came to achieving inner tranquillity, I'd done okay with repeats of Friends and an occasional can of Castle.
Yet there I was, a little more than two years ago, sitting cross-legged on the floor for what I hoped would be a stress-relieving hour of yoga meditation. As I looked around the room where this lesson was being given, it seemed as if a stereotype had come to life: a bald man in a robe walked among us holding a stick while, eyes closed, we tried to focus on nothing but our breathing. 
Then I learned what the stick was for. I moved - a twitch really - and this holy man did something I never would have expected.

He whacked me on the top of the head!

I spent the rest of the session flinching, anticipating the next blow. Everyone else seemed peaceful and serene, but by the end of the class I was ready to challenge our leader to a fight. Lets see how yoga-like he'll be when I'm smashing his face in.
It would have been easy to dismiss meditation as either bogus or demented. But I was desperate. My anxiety levels were soaring, my ability to sleep was plummeting and this is when migraines chose to strike. It was when I locked my keys in the car and the house on the same day that I knew I needed something to unscatter my thoughts.

My solution was to meditate on my own - to become, in effect, my own yogi. I've since discovered that just 15 minutes a day of meditation helps me not only to relax but also to concentrate better when I'm working.

But I ain't going back to that old man's lessons afterall I can't even fold my legs the way he wants me to. His yoga ain't the thing for me. Mine is. However it's been exactly 18 months since I last practiced but my tribulations of late might revive my routine.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Revolving Doors

So, I’ve been in the ranting mode of late. Forgive me for being such an ardent Benitez follower to end up being so very venomous with my words. But wait. Just before I completely stop ranting, I hope you understand that the frustrations are just too prickly to let go of unnoticed. There are three soaps I love to hate; The Quarellsomes, The Snobs and The Liars in that exact order. The world would be a dull place without them but I just can’t stand them. Is the bad me beating the good me into submission? I think not. In fact I know not. I still flash my mechanical smile too often that viewers might find annoying in the long run but again I thought a smile would be the mother of all signs that things are all too well in my world. I still think they are. Or do I just wish them to always be!


Well last week while I was downing coffee at Baldwin's, this lady dressed like she had just successfully bargained with one of our notorious Judges to put away another of those chicken thieves for sometime served up with the occassional hard labour, walked in and asked rather too politely to share a table with me. Being the gentleman I can be, I put on a smile (I bet it was a grin) and didn’t object. I haven’t even described what she looked like yet. Because if I do, I might have to role up Gisele Bundchen, Gwyneth Paltrow, Salma Hayek and Alek Wek into one. You get the mix, don’t you? Having to accurately describe every inch of leg, ear, lip, nose, et al, I'd go on forever. It’s no enviable task. I'll be honest with you, I had lust written all over my face and etched into my frontal lobes must have been some naughty thoughts. So I tried so very hard to control the 'Adam' in me and put up a conversation without having to play around with the spoon or shuffle my feet like I was possessed. She said she was a consultant. That all I heard and not the words that trailed. Apart from the word 'saviour' but that was after 6 or so minutes I presume. That was how taken up I was by her! I tried to console myself that saviour was part of the lengthy name of the firm she was 'consulting' for. Strange name I thought. Curious to know whether I had heard her right, I asked her to repeat herself. I wasn't however prepared for what I heard thereafter.  This time I heard Bible, Jesus, Worship and saviour all mentioned in the same line. The last I heard was that gut wrenching 'are you saved?' question. I don’t know what stopped me from losing my cool this time though I'm not the kind blessed or rather cursed with the proverbial short fuse. I calmly answered no and gathered my belongings, strewn all over the table and fled for the counter to clear my bill.


What pained me the most was leaving my half-empty cup of coffee behind and not the chance of getting to know this heavenly (pun intended) work of art.

I generally have distaste for such kinds of people. Not because I'm evil through and through but for how often they can kill your moment of hard earned joy, like that great cup of coffee, and for that we shall always be at odds. Always!

So you realise I'm not ranting after all, don’t you? I haven't been lavish but decisively economical with my distaste which must be a positive sign. But I can't promise not to go over the top when I encounter one of those many who preach by the roadside while making a mockery of PA systems. Or the next time I take a Bell ('For A Great Night and a Good Morning' is its slogan!) or two and wake up with a throbbing headache. Maybe I need help anyway if this qualifies to be mild ranting.

  And for those who have been desperate to know whether my quest for a better March is still on course, I’m sorry to report that I’ve withdrawn my investment into a relationship that has consistently posted loses of gargantuan proportions. Maybe it has a lot to do with the advent of revolving doors in my life. 

Now I truly love my life.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

She Is Going To Skin Me

So, a ‘good’ friend of mine classifies herself a Certified Loner. I’m not even sure I should call her a good friend, owing to the fact that I last saw her ten....yes ten years ago, but I’d rather call her that. She has done nothing not to deserve it-it’s not like she has pulled a gun on me or worse made off with my muffin. But being a loner gets me thinking rather worryingly whether she is happy. But again what is happinesas any way? I’ve got no real answer but just what I think happiness should be all about.

It’s not about job success or raising perfect kids or a great marriage. It’s about how you live each moment. My neighbour Pamela, a young mother struggling to pay her bills and raises a child on a receptionist's salary, woke up one morning in a state of near despair. She and her husband had split up-again-and she was dead broke. The sky was overcast. Figuring things looked so bad she got out the vacuum and was dispiritedly working her way back and forth across the living room rug when she looked up. There right beside her with his toy vacuum, was her 18 month old son. He beamed at her, and Pamela realized that despite everything, in that moment she was perfectly content. At least that’s what she told me.

Most of us are like her. We conclude that if we aren’t happy all the time, then we aren’t happy. Yet its ludicrous to expect to be happy 24 hours a day. Happiness as I’ve come to see comes in bits and pieces, and what we must learn to do is savour the small events in our lives-like the baby working a vacuum across the room. Oddly it may come your way in the form of a bird several meters airborne, relieving itself on your precious top!

I understand Buddhists call this approach living mindfully or living with mindful awareness. I kind of agree, but there is no chance that I’m about to change my affiliation. Others describe it as living in the present, or growing where you’re planted. Whatever the phrase, the concept is the same: Its when you are consciously and completely experiencing where you are, what you are doing and how you are feeling. It’s when you aren’t thinking about anything but the experience you’re having.

At such moments, when the present is so full of richness and wonder that nothing else matters, when you are feeling connected to nature and to other people, you are happy. If there is one secret to happiness it is paying attention to these moments and creating opportunities for more of them in your life. I don’t even know if I’m even making any sense but I guess I’m happy! Is she?