Nude Bunnies For Easter

I had to let you in on this one.......but promise never to taunt me on this one one day because you have no idea of what evil I'm capable of. Agreed?!

It's not a classic...not by any means but since then I cant stop replaying the events of Easter Sunday. You see this was one of those rare opportunities where the whole family gets to bond, right from the 80yr olds to the 3 months old tots......I'm aching to get to the clincher.....but anyway let me take you through the steps.

We all sat down for a sumptuous lunch that was rather annoyingly mixed with all those traditional dishes just to accommodate the more traditional folk. But it was the table talk that was all the more amusing.

What would you expect to hear when you're dominated by human relics?

Dad: But Andy's (my young brother) gu foot is too wide ehhh!! Who do you think it came from?

Eliphaz: (they've got strange names) That foot rooks like that of Kajwenje

Alphonse: Ehh wabiha! That foot is from his mother. You rook at her foot!!

Of course we were all so full of laughter. Watching your respectables being undressed in front of their kids is not a thing you get out of bed knowing you will see at noon, but when they finally picked on me for cross-examination, for once I didn't find alot of it funny anymore.

But I just tried to keep a plastic smile on that would even make Steve Segal's thin ones look warmer.

Alphonse: But we just donti understand this one....he only borrowed his Mzee's height.

Expedito (the resident loud mouth chipped in with his damning contribution): The hair is very poor. Ni n'komugusha (its like sorghum...yeast....i don't really know)

Alphonse: Hehehehe......woman, who is the father of this young man, I'm rooking at his nose and its from Buganda! Iti used to be small when he was a kid, what happened huh?

Mukaade (mom to the rescue): Wapi, he has just forgotten to comb his hair otherwise he has probably the best hair around. As for the nose, look at his father's chi nose and tell me.

Mzee: Why are you defending the poor quality there?

Teresfolo: As for the feet we shall not even go there!!!!!

Alphonse: They resemble those of Siriako. The one from the Kyamates. I mean the one with acres of tea plantations.

O.K. I'm letting you in on too much.

But if you are in my corner you are probably wondering how someone can have such enormous bodily flaws. I wont agree with the stupid old men or deny the allegations but if you've interacted with the old folk on the regular you realise that this is what they are only good at. Show him Tyler Perry and he will frown. Stupid old men.

Since I wasn't the only one at the receiving end of proceedings, i just let it be. Now i'll let you in on the clincher.......

After sifting through all the photo albums in the house, the oldies wanted to catch a film. One faction wanted to catch any sports event, the other a film preferably African. The film faction with the help of a mouthful of a contribution Expedito won this hotly contested mini-rivalry. We the dot-comers just sat there dumbfounded, nursing our egos wounded at the table earlier.

What I'm about to tell you I cant describe graphically.........

When these guys went through the Nigerian collection on offer and chose this Movie with a modest title, i heard my niece giggle. I definetely had no idea because they are more of a feminine thing. Not even those two guys stuck in bodies of ten year olds with their laboured humour seems to drag me towards Nollywood.

So when the movie started playing, i finally realised why little niece was still giggling uncontrollably.......the very first scene was a sex scene! Yeah, sweaty Africans getting it on and in all styles you can imagine.
Silence engulfed the room so much that you could hear a pin drop. Even naughty little niece was gazing at the telly with a smirk across her face. A cursory glance at the very religious old folk across the room and their faces told a story of disgust. Look who was laughing now. Eliphaz made a mad dash for the DVD player but we all knew he had no idea of how the white man's machines operate. He got frustrated with his efforts and just disconnected the mains. I had to excuse myself, it was too much.

I made a dash to my room locked the door firmly behind me and laughed till it hurt! I'd pay anything see the look on the faces of the old folk one more time.

Now who had the last laugh.....huh!

When the laughter had subsided I went through my highschool stuff picked my old sketch book and took a shot at delivering that Manga Hentai stuff through the eyes of the Nigerians.
I don't think you really want to see my sketches!

Charm School Candidate

Most things natural always tend to be constant but that is if you were living in the years past because of late we have (me and the medical minds of Dr. 90210) devised means to navigate round these problems. Brazilian Butt Lift fans know what I mean when I say what I say to mean what I say.

That brings me to my latest Kenyan friend on Facebook. I'll call him Keith. Keith sent me a friend request a couple of weeks back and I didn't reject it. I obliged and added him probably thinking he was one of my fans! He must have seen me on radio though coz I had no idea who the hell he was!

Fast-forward to last Saturday (a very chilly one) while I was idling on Facebook Chat when I found Mr. Keith idling too. Then came our 'get to know you' session where talk rotates around bad roads and the President's bandaged finger and of course the crazy weather.

It kinda went on well till he asked whether i had a girlfriend. Stupid question to ask! My status clearly states what it states when I scream that I'm single without remorse.

I instinctively checked out his profile and his friends list to acquaint myself with who he really was.

I thought it strange that of all his 86 friends, only one was a female and that the rest of the 85 were disgustingly naked men. I'll let you do the assesment on Keith's orientation). But I'd have to admit they had far better toned bodies than my sorry excuse of a six-pack.

Then came the spoiler;

"You look good in your profile pic. I'm kinda feeling lonely." Like I needed to know that much.....

More of the spoiler;

"What's your phone number so that I can give you a call and hear your voice?"

Even more of the spoiler;

"Ah, I can see you've taken quite a while to answer that question." This guy had the bloody nerves.

Then came the witty answer (if he thought I was half as dumb as he was)

"Why don't you call those girls at customer care, they sure do have great voices..."

Foolish Keith at it again;

"Oh! I didn't think of that one." Yeah he just admitted to being dumb.

I didn't need a second invitation to undo my short lived friendship with Keith and block him totally. Not that many people can stand being hit on by a gay guy you barely even know. Now I'm up and down trying to find Keith entry forms into Charm School just in case you didn't realise how lame he was at his game.

Ha ha, don't think that if he was any better, he was going to be any more successful than he already was. Did he think he was bribing a kid with a lollipop? Keith, you're a fool for that one.

And I'm told girls (the pretty ones at least) have to endure this every day! I feel your pain..........

The Big What If

Every time I get dangerously idle I think! About a lot of things. 94% percent of them are never constructive but I still think! I love to think. But one thing I always think about keeps playing so often in my mind with the same frequency as the memory of my first kiss. Those little things we ignore not because they are abundant around us but those things we don't think about just because we know we can never have them.....now think with me what the world would be if;

There were prizes under the liners of beer bottles...like it is with soda bottles?

These beer guys are mean.....really mean! I've taken soft drinks for many years, and didn't stop even when they were blamed for a severe allergic reaction I had one time. I still haven't won a random prize for all my loyalty and i don't blame them because maybe it all boils down to ill luck. But what if beers were to buck the trend and offer prizes under their liners?

Do guys really need that kind of excuse to drink. Girls do! If the prizes were girl friendly, like shopping trips, and vacations in Zanzibar then more girls would drink, and there would be more understanding about why men drink. Of course, that means everyone would have a beer gut.

Wouldn't it make a hangover less devastating if you knew you had a prize to redeem later on?

Female drivers were not believed to be dumb

Okay maybe they are! I don't know that much about them but it seems to be a general consensus that they are. Who cares if they are anyway?

But what if they were not perceived as brilliantly stupid?

Less laughter in the world? Higher occurrence of cancer? Less videos on you tube? A greater chance of meeting more men than women at your local driving school?

Now which sadist would want that?

The majority of humans were left-handed?

Did you even know that August 13th is the Left Handers Day? No you don't. I knew you wouldn't!!

That left-handedness is more common in males than females the same way it is responsible for mental retardation and dyslexia may also be news to you! The stranger truth though is that they are associated with intellectual advancement. Okay enough of that because this is no science lecture.

More males on earth? Retards everywhere? More Clintons (definitely more Lewinskys)? More left handed cameras? More John Mc Enroes?

It's a sticky one!

Everyone didn't have to say 'hello' each time they answered a call

Telecom Companies would make a lot less money and there would be less carbon dioxide in the world. Of course, hello is like an 'on' switch to pay attention so people wouldn’t catch the first half of the conversation, misunderstandings would increase, death would rise, more men would find out their wives were cheating on them….Chaos. Hello should remain forever and forever

Girls always chased after guys

There's this particular Bud Light ad that interests me a lot. It shows a lady with arms crossed (kinda mean looking face too) declaring that she "doesn't chase men who can't run!" So what if the hunter became the hunted? It happens today, that I'm fully aware of. But what if for every woman that got winked at, 30 guys out there got anonymous calls and messages declaring love for their perfect legs (even when they clearly aren't?)

You see! Guys aren’t quite as picky about who they date as girls are. Wait. They are. Difference is USUALLY a guy’s reasons behind the girls he date/doesn’t date actually make sense.

Girls on the other hand have the most complicated lists set up. “He should be shy but fight for me”…blah blah. If girls did the chasing this problem would be solved. Girls would have their list and go about finding the right man. Men would simply sit , watch , wait and accept the creation that made its way toward them if it fit their more realistic ideals. If they were expecting Beyonce, ahahahahahaha! Good luck with that one.

Do you see more girls settling the bills? More guys getting facials, manicures, tans and botox? Less cases of Rape? More female janitors? Longer working hours for women?

We all found gossip disgusting

Life would be simpler. There wouldn’t be drama. At all. Life would be quieter. No fights over what he said she said about him talking to her after you said you didn’t yet they saw you with him….in all honesty though, it would also be extremely boring and humans would find some other destructive way to bring excitement.But I see the distinction between He and She dying out. Only one of them loves to gossip! Who?

All bling was cheap

I would get some every week.

Girls would have to find another expensive way to get men to their love for them. Apparently girls will have to find some way to torture men besides sex that is because they know, sex punishes both them and not just HIM.

DVD players had never replaced VCR players

Who can forget the days when you had just hours before the local movie store slapped a fine on you for late returns only for a power black-out to mercilessly hit you. OK. that fine is payable you think! Power returns and you discover the silly VCR has ‘eaten’ the tape! No DVDs? Life would be hell! There would be no seasons on one disc, twenty movies on one disc. What would people do?! Would we TALK to each other?! That would be our only option, wouldn’t it?! (Kiss your CD pack gratefully while sending a silent prayer of thanks to God, and whoever invented the first CD)

Priests and monks weren't celibate

A quick glance at the demography statistics tells me that the females are trouncing males numerically the world over. Then of course apart from those who are comfortable with the idea of sleeping around with married men, the rest are lonely. If these people of God weren't celibate this number would be halved. Even they agree!

yz.......I'm smooching you for your help with this one!!!!

Untitled

17 Days Ago

You meet your friend who introduces you to his outrageously beautiful friend. You exchange pleasantries and part company.

13 Days Ago

You bump into your friend's friend at the bus stop. You engage in loose talk, exchange contacts and promise to keep in touch.

11 Days Ago

You receive a text from her first thing in the morning wishing you a splendid day. You smile all the way to work.

10 Days Ago

You give her a call though you really have nothing to talk about.

9 Days Ago

You engage in text craze with her till sunset. She tells you about her frustrations in her relationship; the selfish guy with a high affinity for everything in a skirt.

8 Days Ago

The text craze continues. Now more than ever the thumbs are sore.

7 Days Ago

You agree to hang out that evening. You spend the whole evening drooling over her beauty which you lavishly pay compliments to. You realise the strange fact that good people always inspire naughty thoughts from the fairly good people.

6 Days Ago

She puts you on the spot for not introducing your girlfriend to her yet. You tell her how you've put relationships on hold till further notice. She doesn't buy it. They always do anyway.

5 Days Ago

Regardless of her busy schedule, she still finds an excuse to text you.

4 Days Ago

You spend more than half an hour on phone with her. By the time you are through its 2 am.

3 Days Ago

Despite her best efforts to lure you to the watering hole for a drink or two later that evening, you politely decline the invite citing fatigue. You promise to make up for the 'lost' time.

2 Days Ago

She introduces you to her selfish, skirt chaser of a boyfriend. You are not impressed with her taste. You think she can do better. Somehow you strike a conversation with him and realise he ain't evil through and through.

She later that night texts you to invite you to her place. She promises good food and a nice movie. You agree.

Yesterday

You leave work early and find your way to her place. You commend her on the neatness of her room, you go one better on the food, and settle to catch the movie. You ask yourself why she has chosen The Notebook! She gets all teary through the movie so she seeks your embrace. You don't object.

On your way out after the movie she crowns this her best evening in a long time and then plants one of those prolonged infectious kisses on your lips and wishes you a good night. You stand there dazed while she shuts the door. You find your way home and lie in bed for close to 4 hours.

You just cant sleep!

Today

Your head is heavy. You desperately want to sleep.

While you keep your eyes fixed on the phone expecting a text from her any second, you ask yourself why you just cant be friends!

Me! Yoga?

Like most men, I've always been rather skeptical about meditation. When it came to achieving inner tranquillity, I'd done okay with repeats of Friends and an occasional can of Castle.

Yet there I was, a little more than two years ago, sitting cross-legged on the floor for what I hoped would be a stress-relieving hour of yoga meditation. As I looked around the room where this lesson was being given, it seemed as if a stereotype had come to life: a bald man in a robe walked among us holding a stick while, eyes closed, we tried to focus on nothing but our breathing. 

Then I learned what the stick was for. I moved - a twitch really - and this holy man did something I never would have expected.

He whacked me on the top of the head!

I spent the rest of the session flinching, anticipating the next blow. Everyone else seemed peaceful and serene, but by the end of the class I was ready to challenge our leader to a fight. Lets see how yoga-like he'll be when I'm smashing his face in.

It would have been easy to dismiss meditation as either bogus or demented. But I was desperate. My anxiety levels were soaring, my ability to sleep was plummeting and this is when migraines chose to strike. It was when I locked my keys in the car and the house on the same day that I knew I needed something to unscatter my thoughts.

My solution was to meditate on my own - to become, in effect, my own yogi. I've since discovered that just 15 minutes a day of meditation helps me not only to relax but also to concentrate better when I'm working.

But I ain't going back to that old man's lessons afterall I can't even fold my legs the way he wants me to. His yoga ain't the thing for me. Mine is. However it's been exactly 18 months since I last practiced but my tribulations of late might revive my routine.

Revolving Doors

So, I’ve been in the ranting mode of late. Forgive me for being such an ardent Benitez follower to end up being so very venomous with my words. But wait. Just before I completely stop ranting, I hope you understand that the frustrations are just too prickly to let go of unnoticed. There are three soaps I love to hate; The Quarellsomes, The Snobs and The Liars in that exact order. The world would be a dull place without them but I just can’t stand them. Is the bad me beating the good me into submission? I think not. In fact I know not. I still flash my mechanical smile too often that viewers might find annoying in the long run but again I thought a smile would be the mother of all signs that things are all too well in my world. I still think they are. Or do I just wish them to always be!

 

Well last week while I was downing coffee at Baldwin's, this lady dressed like she had just successfully bargained with one of our notorious Judges to put away another of those chicken thieves for sometime served up with the occassional hard labour, walked in and asked rather too politely to share a table with me. Being the gentleman I can be, I put on a smile (I bet it was a grin) and didn’t object. I haven’t even described what she looked like yet. Because if I do, I might have to role up Gisele Bundchen, Gwyneth Paltrow, Salma Hayek and Alek Wek into one. You get the mix, don’t you? Having to accurately describe every inch of leg, ear, lip, nose, et al, I'd go on forever. It’s no enviable task. I'll be honest with you, I had lust written all over my face and etched into my frontal lobes must have been some naughty thoughts. So I tried so very hard to control the 'Adam' in me and put up a conversation without having to play around with the spoon or shuffle my feet like I was possessed. She said she was a consultant. That all I heard and not the words that trailed. Apart from the word 'saviour' but that was after 6 or so minutes I presume. That was how taken up I was by her! I tried to console myself that saviour was part of the lengthy name of the firm she was 'consulting' for. Strange name I thought. Curious to know whether I had heard her right, I asked her to repeat herself. I wasn't however prepared for what I heard thereafter.  This time I heard Bible, Jesus, Worship and saviour all mentioned in the same line. The last I heard was that gut wrenching 'are you saved?' question. I don’t know what stopped me from losing my cool this time though I'm not the kind blessed or rather cursed with the proverbial short fuse. I calmly answered no and gathered my belongings, strewn all over the table and fled for the counter to clear my bill.

 

What pained me the most was leaving my half-empty cup of coffee behind and not the chance of getting to know this heavenly (pun intended) work of art.

I generally have distaste for such kinds of people. Not because I'm evil through and through but for how often they can kill your moment of hard earned joy, like that great cup of coffee, and for that we shall always be at odds. Always!

So you realise I'm not ranting after all, don’t you? I haven't been lavish but decisively economical with my distaste which must be a positive sign. But I can't promise not to go over the top when I encounter one of those many who preach by the roadside while making a mockery of PA systems. Or the next time I take a Bell ('For A Great Night and a Good Morning' is its slogan!) or two and wake up with a throbbing headache. Maybe I need help anyway if this qualifies to be mild ranting.

  And for those who have been desperate to know whether my quest for a better March is still on course, I’m sorry to report that I’ve withdrawn my investment into a relationship that has consistently posted loses of gargantuan proportions. Maybe it has a lot to do with the advent of revolving doors in my life. 

Now I truly love my life.

She Is Going To Skin Me

So, a ‘good’ friend of mine classifies herself a Certified Loner. I’m not even sure I should call her a good friend, owing to the fact that I last saw her ten....yes ten years ago, but I’d rather call her that. She has done nothing not to deserve it-it’s not like she has pulled a gun on me or worse made off with my muffin. But being a loner gets me thinking rather worryingly whether she is happy. But again what is happinesas any way? I’ve got no real answer but just what I think happiness should be all about.

It’s not about job success or raising perfect kids or a great marriage. It’s about how you live each moment. My neighbour Pamela, a young mother struggling to pay her bills and raises a child on a receptionist's salary, woke up one morning in a state of near despair. She and her husband had split up-again-and she was dead broke. The sky was overcast. Figuring things looked so bad she got out the vacuum and was dispiritedly working her way back and forth across the living room rug when she looked up. There right beside her with his toy vacuum, was her 18 month old son. He beamed at her, and Pamela realized that despite everything, in that moment she was perfectly content. At least that’s what she told me.

Most of us are like her. We conclude that if we aren’t happy all the time, then we aren’t happy. Yet its ludicrous to expect to be happy 24 hours a day. Happiness as I’ve come to see comes in bits and pieces, and what we must learn to do is savour the small events in our lives-like the baby working a vacuum across the room. Oddly it may come your way in the form of a bird several meters airborne, relieving itself on your precious top!

I understand Buddhists call this approach living mindfully or living with mindful awareness. I kind of agree, but there is no chance that I’m about to change my affiliation. Others describe it as living in the present, or growing where you’re planted. Whatever the phrase, the concept is the same: Its when you are consciously and completely experiencing where you are, what you are doing and how you are feeling. It’s when you aren’t thinking about anything but the experience you’re having.

At such moments, when the present is so full of richness and wonder that nothing else matters, when you are feeling connected to nature and to other people, you are happy. If there is one secret to happiness it is paying attention to these moments and creating opportunities for more of them in your life. I don’t even know if I’m even making any sense but I guess I’m happy! Is she?